Hello to Me

New Journal Entry #1

So I’ve been doing this psychic healer thing for a while. I’ve believed in it but not fully- I was living it but like, it was something that was happening to me, not me living it. I’ve never been normal, there isn’t a time that I could chose to go back to and go yeah that’s the good old days when I wasn’t like this. When I wasn’t different. I thought different was bad, that it meant I thought I was better than everyone, that I was better than everyone else, that different things didn’t belong with normal things. If I was going to be different, I couldn’t be with the collective. Fucked up, but history confirms it with all the greats. Different was horrible, all the greats were different, and eventually being great would not end well, but would benefit everyone else. Well if that’s the case, I think I’ll pass. I did pass, for over 20 years I was aware of this. As a child I was aware of this. I never fully acknowledged myself. If I did I’d have to acknowledge that I was great. By no way in a conceited fashion but shit, the parts I didn’t acknowledge are pretty damn great. I now have to accept the rest of that. That I might be exiled in some way. Irony is that I’ve been exiled before in school. I survived that. What does that look like in adulthood? I don’t think that I was ever really fucked up, not like how I thought I was. I’ve had cruel things done to me in my life. What’s more cruel than choosing to only be half yourself, if that much. The ignored gifted child. I’m sorry to myself for that. That was my fault, no one else’s. I neglected myself in ways that I didn’t deserve. Withheld love from myself. I thought I was protecting it. I protected it as well and shoving a plant in a box to keep bugs out, when all you really do is keep out the sunlight and rain it so very much needed. It’s my fault for that. You can’t expect a kid to know that? I knew it, some part of me know it. I don’t hate that part. I don’t want to hate any part of me. I want to trust that part of myself. That if I let it breathe and be fully integrated with myself that it can survive, even if it’s faced with criticism. I’ve only opened the box and said oh there you are, I’m sorry. Which is a start. I’m really sorry, so guilt. Forgiving myself is at the top of the list. I’ve learned just in time so I think it’ll be alright. I’ve got some great shit to do ya know?

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